Week 2 of the Absolution Campaign is in the books and things are getting more lively. My plans were mostly thwarted, though I did autosecure one territory. Some Space Wolves had the audacity to offer an alliance to a strike cruiser bearing Lord Ahriman himself, this gaffe shall not soon be forgotten. He and the Alpha Legion will keep an eye on this one.
In this episode we cover a whole host of hobby and gaming. I got in two 40k tourneys, three fantasy games and painted almost 2000 pts of Chaos Space Marines. Jason made it to one of the tourneys and considered picking up a paintbrush. We discuss our team tourney tactics that led to most of Jason’s Ultramarines dieing bravely and my Alpha Legion standing on objectives. We get into a bit of a rant about cheating by omission and bad dice handling and why you shouldn’t try to paint 36 cultists in one go.
Something new will be popping up in the feed in the weeks to come. Jared, Jon and I will be doing weekly updates for our map based 40k campaign. For those who have no interest, feel free to skip over these episodes, I think they’ll be aimed primarily at the league’s participants. But I felt that some might enjoy some insight into running a narrative based campaign and we are striving to keep these updates entertaining. The first week has been a bit slow as some are being
cowardly cautious, not wanting to commit their forces too early. Hoping to seize some advantage from this, I was the first to put boots on the field and will be striving to create a toehold in the deserted city of Thronheim. We shall see who is brave or foolish enough to challenge the ineffable designs of the Alpha Legion.
Gee wilikers guys! The super neat-o keen cast of the Of Dice and Men podcast are back and more radical than ever. This episode really is the cat’s pajamas as we discuss the new Tau codex. We jaw about the nifty idea of Gw being bought out by hasbro and other assorted ramblings as usual. So put on your most spiffy pair of headphones, sit back and end enjoy another swell episode of the ODAM podcast. Also, 23 skidoo!
A new record! Two episodes in one day! Micheal Biancone joins me for a talk about his upcoming 40k tournament Berks Spring Assault 4. We also talk about tourney prep, tactics and what makes a good warhammer event. Enjoy this wealth of content, there will undoubtedly be more to come.
Little known fact: today marks two years of podcasting for us here at Noobhammer. To celebrate, here is the latest installment. Jason is back and we have Ashley on the show as well to talk about the new Tau Empire releases. Unfortunately, Ashley couldn’t stay for the whole show, but Jason and I soldier on and discuss the changes to the Warriors of chaos and I recount another glorious victory for my tournament VC list. Enjoy!
For those who may have asked, here is the vamp list I’ve been running.
Ghoul King, Biting blade, dragonbane gem, other trickster’s shard, Fear incarnate, Red fury 360 pts.
Master Necro, lv 4, Black Pariapt 255 pts
Vampire Bsb, Screaming Banner, Lore of Shadow 161
Necro, lv 2 death, ironcurse icon 105
Zombiesx20, standard 65
zombiesx21, standard 68
dire wolvesx5 40
Spirit Host 45
Corpse Cart, Lodestone 120
Fell batsx2 32
Grave Guardx24, full command, banner of the barrows, Great Weapons 368
Black Coach 195
We’re back! Well, I am at least. Jason is still out on sabbatical, so I was forced to replace him with not one, but two hosts. Jared and Jon join me for a discussion of the Lancashire Wargaming club’s Masters Tournament. Ok, so it was just a fund raiser for the club, but I thought if I hyped it Ben Curry might cover it on his bad dice daily show. I meant to get some on site coverage, but it turns out that everyone clams up in the presence of microphones. Next time I think I’ll just hide a digital recorder in my Terrorgheist. So I settled for an in depth interview with the tourney champion. Enjoy!
Here is he latest installment of our international podcasting coalition.
No, this is not us singing warhammer themed Christmas carols. We’re here to talk about the Dark Angels and their curiously phalic battlegear. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…. I also discuss my first commission painting project and some details about the show’s direction in the new year. To round out the episode, we have an interview with John Taylor, creator of Battlescribe, a mobile roster editor. It’s great for those times when you are stuck somewhere against your will, like in a P.O.W. camp or if your girlfriend makes you watch Twilight with her….
It’s finally here! The episode I forgot to mix! In this thrilling installment, I talk about my second game of Vampires vs. Skaven, Jason and I recap a megabattle that lasted three turns and 8 hours, and I give an assesment of my first real game with the Chaos codex. Also, Jason tells us why he is going to the darkside of using named characters and I complain that my chaos rhino doesn’t have the right number of holes.
Ok, everyone has been on my case to post this, so here it is, the second spectacular podcast entity that is Of Dice And Men. In this episode we all strive diligently to create some manner of content, to varying degrees of success. We talk about a few blogs and then spend a very long time discussing how horrible Adam’s favorite game is. In the end there is still an inordinate amount of name calling and off color jokes, but I suppose that’s what makes us so entertaining.
As promised, here is a little something to entertain you on your holiday commute. It’s a short one, so make sure you check out our new project Of Dice And Men if you have a long haul to get to your turkey day feast. In this episode I discuss my insanely rapid fall to chaos (100 marines and counting), a tournament I accidentally took part in and the first installment of me being a dick to Lee, a newcomer to the skaven army. Jason talks about sculpting an amazing replacement for the dated Typhus model and the way his chaos marines destroyed Ed’s Ork mob with a few swings of Kharn the Betrayer’s axe. That’s about it guys, Happy Tofurkey Day!
This episode sponsored by:
www.wargamerscave.com For all your hobby needs
www.krmulticase.com To carry all your wargaming needs.
No, this isn’t a new episode of Noobhammer, and no, this isn’t us going away or changing our show. What this is is a brand spanking new podcast talk-show type thing, spanning the globe with hard-hitting journalism about the newest trends and ideas from the world of wargaming. Well, okay, it isn’t that either, but we guarantee you’ll laugh, cry, and probably even learn an important lesson or two. Look, just listen to it already. Featuring Jason and I, Adam and John from some other podcast and Phil from the shellcase. Enjoy!
Death to the false emperor!!! Ahem. In today’s episode, we research further the foul taint of chaos. A page-by-page run-down of the full color codex that is taking the warhammer world by storm. Joining us is U.K. based inquisitor Phil from the Ordo Shellcase. We try to stay on topic, a futile goal if I ever heard one, and give our ideas on what’s hot and what’snot. Also, Thousand Sons are awesome!!! After that, I review another book that would make Inquisitors cringe, The Path of the Renegade by Andy Chambers.
This episode sponsored by:
www.wargamerscave.com For all your hobby needs
www.krmulticase.com To carry all your wargaming needs.
We’re back again with what amounts to a guest host sandwich with a bit of hobby in the middle. Sounds dirty. Adam from War and More Radio interrupts our previously scheduled recording and we tolerate his presence…for now. We go over our thoughts and feelings about the new chaos releases and I go a little fanboy over the digital white dwarf. Then we have a bit of a hobby tip about magnets and plasticard and the proper application of said items. Then for some reason we bring Adam back on to talk about the black library expo in Chestermere, Canadia.
We want to take a quick moment to welcome our newest sponser The Wargamer’s Cave. They are an online retailer that offer some of the best prices you can get on the web on GW and other hobby games, and offer great customer service to boot. check them out at www.wargamerscave.com
Today’s action packed episode is filmed partly live on location at Lancashire Wargaming club in beautiful Lititz, Pa. We capture my initial reactions to Dark Vengeance, as I literally received my copy five minutes prior to recording. With my brand spanking new box of space marines in hand….wait, I own space marines now? NOOOOO! My greenskin cohorts will disown me! It’s not my fault, those models are damned amazing. Anyway, we also manage an interview with Luthor Huss author Chris Wraight and I lament my first 6th ed game in which I am tactically betrayed by my thousand sons allies. Not sure why I didn’t see that one coming.
We apologize for the delays, episode 23 suffered multiple deepstrike mishaps, but we succesfully rolled for reserves and now it’ts back in full effect. This time Jason gets a hard-on for the new starter set as it’s filled to the brim with genhanced men in power armor, I get a little ranty about the newest finecast releases and we talk with little to no authority about the new sixth edition rules. As a special treat, this episode includes not one but two female gamers, as i interview Gemma Noon about the Black Library Live event in October and Heather discusses why deamonettes lack something in the sex appeal department and gives her overall impression on learning the ropes in warhammer Fantasy. Enjoy!
Catch us on twitter: @noobhammerN8 and @thefellhand
Our facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/noobhammerpodcast/
Info on Black Library Live event: www.chestermereexpo.ca
This episode we invite our own real life warrior priest Jared onto the show. Though I doubt you’ll find him running around with a giant war hammer, Jared has been playing Empire since the book released and we get his opinion on the best ways to play as them and more imporantly how to kick the tar out of them. Jason actually plays a game this time and mine are too horrible to speak of. Heads up for something new next episode and we promise we’ll finally talk about 40k.
….And so are GW’s prices. That’s right, boys and girls, It’s time for another angry rant about the inevitable and inexplicable increase in both the company’s profits as well as my own personal debt. Gotta have my fix. We give our opinion on the new 40k flying contraptions, I love the Ork jet, must have one of those for the armada. We also caught up with Pat from 11th company podcast to get his perspective on the hobby and learn a little about his podcast. Finally I go over some more battle reports from my thursday night league and jason gives some excuses for why he hasn’t played a game in the last two podcast cycles.
As Jason settles in to his new digs and I prepare to start a new job we continue to bring you podcasts cause that’s just the kind of stand-up guys we are. We don’t really have a main topic for this one, just some hobby updates and battle reports. I took a harder look at some of the less used units in the High Elf army and proved they were worth taking when all of the internet wisdom said otherwise. I’m talking near 600 point star dragon here. Jason continues to plug his side business ( http://warsculptor.blogspot.com/ ) and we welcome our new sponsor KR Multicase. http://www.krmulticase.com/ Check them both out, and maybe I’ll have a side business of my own to plug. Freelance podcast mixing, anyone? No seriously, hit me up. Some of you could use the help.
Back again with a tournament report from Berks Spring Assault 3! My cheesy Orks and Jason’s equally cheesy Grey Knights head out to do battle. (seriously, last time I’m going to call them cheesy. They die like any other space marine, you just have to shoot them twice as much. that doesn’t make them broken, honestly.) We cover some shenanigans involving a vermin lord and an outhouse and briefly touch on the new Necron models released this month. Briefly because, lets face it, Necrons all look the same to us.
Gather around ye accolytes of Sigmar, to discuss the end of an era. Mourn the passing of auto dispel, talk about the old days when mortars were a mans weapon and ponder the sudden appearance of newfangled monstrous cav. Also we have an in depth discussion with yugo from ichibanpainting.com about the world of commission painting and some general hobby tips that will be of value to noobs and veterans alike. Check out his youtube page! here’s one stemming from our discussion. http://youtu.be/s6yrnBtWLxs
We’re back after a longer than normal break, the new studio is up and running and I now live 4 minutes away from a gaming store. W00t! Anyway, in this episode, recorded in multiple locations and times, we discuss our victories and failures in gaming, an extended and needlessly suggestive tutorial on making snow bases and Jason records an interview from the grocery checkout line. Only on Noobhammer….
Alright guys, we bring it back around for some 40k love. First we go over our normal schtick, discussing our weeks in hobby, any news or observations. Then we wrap it up with a discussion of the space pup….wolves. A full book review with our take on their strengths and weaknesses. Oh wait, think I forgot something…..oh, yeah. Dan Abnett.
Be afraid, be very afraid..or not if you happen to be an astartes. In this episode we focus on the new vampire counts release. We sink our teeth into the new units, the modified rules and the amazingly inspiring cover art. We’ll also discuss our take on Dan Abnett’s new Horus Heresy novel Know No Fear. It’s being released in March. And before you ask, this wasn’t leaked, they gave it to us. Because we’re journalists. Kind of. Here’s the link, check it out.
NOTE: due to some internet shenanigans the episode ends abruptly. Will have it fixed by 4pm eastern.
2nd NOTE: Fixed!!!!
After a slight delay we return for the first podcast of the new year! We discuss our games since last we spoke, further ways of schooling noobs, review some stellar black library releases and a codex review of space wol……..wait, whats this? We’ve just gotten word that a succesful raid has been pulled off on the GW nottingham compound. Some brave soul has succesfully escaped with the galley proof of the 40k 6th edition rule set! Not everyone made it back, however. Steve will be missed….we bumped the space puppy review to chat with veteran rules guru Jeff Stuckey about the validity of the leak and hear a little bit about Killzone, which we will discuss more in depth on a later episode.
Also, all you noobs out there in the Pa area, pay heed. There will be a 40k noobhammer tournament feb 11 and 12 during the cabin fever gt. 1500pts, NOVA format, models need NOT be painted and we will probably both be in attendance. Playing of course. We’re Noobs, don’t expect us to go around running tourneys. And just because our podcast is in the name, doesn’t mean we’ll get special treatment. Probably…..
Here in time for the holiday weekend we have a special episode focusing on the chittering horde! Nate relays his experiences with the self destructive vermin and goes over the finer points of not blowing yourself up. Also included is a review of “Thorn and Talon” a new audio drama by the man himself Dan Abnett. We enjoyed it so much we created one of our own as an intro. Hope you enjoy it. Have a happy holiday and may Santa Khorne bring you lots of fresh plasti-crack!
We’re back! Episode 12 uses it’s reanimation protocol to pick up where 11 left off. I relay my first experience with the random misfire-ey goodness of Skaven with a battle report and marvel as my luck kills twice the number of ratmen as my opponent does. Listen in amazement as we analyze the finer points of filing down mold lines! Be shocked as we lay bare the tactical possibilities of the army that may very well be wrecking your day in the upcoming months! Also wonder why we chose to run a commercial for our own podcast on our podcast. Marketing brilliance or desperation to fill up space? i’m going to guess the latter of the two. So listen to us if you want to live.
This episode is all about fluffing. Umm….as in the story behind the armies you perv. We discuss the importance of story to the hobby, talk to Vince Rospond, the man in charge of distributing those stories to North America, and have part 1 of our review of the new Necron codex. Also, liquid green stuff: What is it? Where does it come from? Who wants to buy it? All this and more in episode 11 of the Noobhamer podcast.
We’re back noobs! We know it’s been awhile, but the ‘cast returns with impressions of our first big tourney. This episode is chock full of reviews and info so don’t miss it! We talk with Tony Spino, the organizer of the big event, some random clubs and a 10 year old that kicked Jason’s ass!
We’re back with an ogre sized helping of podcasting goodness! We discuss the re-release of the warhammer worlds favorite heavy hitting bruisers, the white dwarf codex for the hottest nuns in the 41st millennium and THQ’s latest attempt to bring the 40k universe to console gaming. In addition to that we have an earth shattering announcement to make, so don’t miss it.
So after recording for episode 9 was postponed, I’ve been focused on getting rid of some of the grey in my hobby area. I decided to use my time wisely and have started cleaning mold lines between classes. In two days I have cleaned and primed 84 orks, added the extra arms to my deff dredknight conversion and started converting deffkoptas for a list I plan to debut next Saturday at the lancashire club day. I also managed to get distracted and build the mighty Thork.
Warning: This episode has been banned in several systems of the Imperium and was most certainly not approved by the The Ecclesiarchy. The following podcast represents a new direction in stimulating growth in the wargaming community. Giggity. We bring in a special guest hostess to keep things grounded in reality, even if her presence did curse the audio equipment. Those old timey sailors were right! For those looking for new insights into actual gaming, check back next time, but if you want to hear our take on what is arguably the more important game sit back, grab a pad and a no. 2 pencil and start taking notes. There will be a test.
\Ok so like everyone else I played the demo. Lets just clear the easy stuff first: This is a DEMO, and I am noting only what I experienced in it, the final product, as they say, may be different than the demo. So keep that in mind and read further noob!
The graphics are clean, clear and look awesome! The only drawback is that it appears a bit too clean for the grim dark future. But the power armor looks great and the animations are brutal! The blood sprays are great, and especially in “bullet time” (c’mon son! just call it what it is lol). The mode I’m referring to is a Fury meter, which when full and activated via simult presses of the sticks, allows you to temporarily slow down time as you fire upon foul xenos. If you go into melee this is slower as well and allows for some vicious looking killshots! (like the other kind of sho–, you know what lets save that for another time). But all in all they look good. The Orks are suitably animated, although to be fair they need more blood and missing limbs
Gameplay is well done. True to the rumors you can basically charge into combat, firing your bolt pistol and launch right into melee with your chainsword! It very much has the feel that GW and Black Library have always tried to instill upon us, and works very well. My only gripe is that you “walk” into combat while firing…I would like to see a full on charge while firing, maybe at a reduced accuracy? Now lest you think that sounds a bit overpowered, remember back to your early Astartes training: this is how we fight! And to add to that, charging into combat is not always advisable (but fun as hell of course) as there are quite literally entire mobs of Ork “Boyz” (I will NEVER be comfortable with that term) thirsting for your gene-enhanced blood. Charging headlong into the unwashed masses IS advisable if you want to heal faster. Faster? WTF? Yes! In a turn that is tremendously refreshing and true to life (fictional life anyway), slaying foes by the dozen actually heals you. So no more cowering like a camping bitch to regain health! GTF in there and start killin’! I must admit, a few times I backed off and went behind crates (we call that tactical retreat lol) to recover, only to see the health meter didn’t move. So I set upon the enemies of the Imperium and sure enough the health meter rose faster than my dick while I played this game.
As expected there are hordes of Orks and Gretchin to fight, and most of them do charge straight into combat which suits the character of the army perfectly. The base system of fighting is hack and slash, something I love and hate. Having grown up in the era of Baldurs Gate AND Street Fighter, I sometimes love the simple button mashing, sometimes love complicated skillful button moves. However it would be nice if THQ added a few moves that require finger agility…hee hee too easy I won’t touch that one!
One REALLY nice part of the combat is, Capt Titus seems to flow between Orks in combat almost automatically. Several times I couldn’t tell if it was me or the game, but goddamn did it look good! In all seriousness you do control the movement among the Ork mobs, but it feels effortless. This was the exceptional part for me, I felt like I was well and truly (haha thanks GW you gave me that line) an Angel of Death! You can also attempt to stun an opponent, offering the chance to Execute them. I’ve only seen two so far, both were brutal finishes a la Dawn of War. I am hoping they add more and more gore splattered viciousness!
Re-playability remains to be seen. I am partial to online gaming because I love competing and the “truth” of live opponents. However being a diehard Astartesexual (oh yeah I said it, talk to my Power Fist if you don’t like it) I am going to play the whole way through the single player game. I am easily bored with other FPS w/ solo missions, however the subject matter is of course just what I like.
Overall the demo was awesome. I am 100% biased toward GW and Space Marines, however in the interest of journalistic integrity I must say that while I will most likely rate this high upon playing the full version, it still isn’t for everyone. Hardcore COD players and Gears fans will probably hate on this, and for that they can take my Imperial Fist in the ass. Also they best remember that GW has been around since I was but knee high to a grot, while the true knock offs (Halo, Gears) have only been here for a few short years. As I would say on the show, just check it out and see what you think. If you’re on Live, look out for The FellHand. It will be the Wolf Lord-looking BAMF with a Frost Axe all up in yo shit!
Next time Noobs
Nate and I played a 2500 pt WHFB game, High Elves vs Warriors of Awesomeness, I mean, Chaos. The game went pretty well for me initially, then Nate started using Elven trickery and was regaining control. Fortunately for me the Winds of Magic blew not this day, leaving his three wizards impotent, and affecting me not at all since I had no wizards! However his Swordmasters reaped a terrible toll on, well, everyone. That unit is absurdly powerful and while being susceptible to concentrated shooting and magic (of which I had neither) in combat it simply evaporates its enemies. In the late game my Ogres were able to hold up his Dragon and Prince while my own Prince finally came in to add some wounds and together they managed to beat the Dragon and send it running away! We tried to run it down but couldn’t…and thus ended the game!
VICTORY: Warriors of Chaos!
Tune in to episode 9, coming the first week of September, for the full battle report!
Hobbywise, I didn’t get any modelling/painting done, however after an entire weekend’s internal debate with myself, I managed to settle on some reorganization of my three armies (SW, GK, WoC) into cases and such…one of my favorite things to do is organize my armies…not sure why…
Next time Noobs
Needs purity seals!
The EverNoob…just like the Everchosen, except 13% cooler.
Tags: Space Marine
OMG I just saw the commercial for Space Marine on TV!! Never thought I’d see the day Warhammer makes it to real TV…sniff…PLUS the main dude looks like Randy Couture! (via Jason Santiago)
The EverNoob…just like the Everchosen, except 13% cooler.
Tags: Grey Knights
Went into Showcase Comics and Games today and got a Finecast Brotherhood Champion. So far:
Detail: Sharp, clear
Material: Not as soft as plastic (despite claims to the contrary) and not even close to as hard as resin.
Cleanup: Here’s the weird part. It has typical mold lines, but also a “reverse” mold line! On the legs the line is actually recessed. I don’t see any bubbles on the model, but this indent is annoying because I’ll have to fill it.
Overall: This is one of my favorite models anyway, so I still like it. I’m not overly disapointed thus far.
WTF did I get this for? To use as a Castellan Crowe, or Purifier Justicar.
The EverNoob…just like the Everchosen, except 13% cooler.
I’m working on organizing my hobby into a cohesive unit…so hopefully regular updating will help achieve that!
Stay tuned noobs!
Here we are again with the eighth installment of our epic ‘cast. In this episode we cover the movement phase, half of the new Sisters of Battle codex (thanks for that, GW) and the Magic Twister…er, I mean Storm of Magic. Stay tuned for A Very Special Episode in the next week or so. We’ll discuss yet another way to make the community grow…
Silence hung like a dead man in the chamber. Only the light of a few sputtering candles illumined the spare and pristine interior of the room, empty save for the contorted and gaunt frame of the old man kneeling quietly within. The room bespoke a simplistic and yet elegant beauty, yet was at odds with the twisted little man who reposed at a low altar. His grotesque figure sat perfectly still on the polished teakwood floors. Snow white, paper thin screens made up the walls of this domain and served only to be a visible barrier to those outside.
Within the gloom of shadows a figure stirred. Darkness seemed to follow and ooze about the black garbed figure like the silently ebbing shadows of the setting sun. The still, dank air seemed to pass through the crouching form, disturbing not even a mote of dust.
Shuffling around suddenly to face his former pupil, the Master sneered at the arrogant intruder who froze on the spot, teeth bared. “Do you think now is your time? You must truly be the master of your destiny, to pick the time of your death.” The pupil’s eyes blazed with a savage red fury at the sudden quell of restraint. His plan was failing.
After a moment’s pause the Master continued. “I would have been pleased to hear more of your exploits before you chose to die. I care not for your life, but only that I can spread the dark arts unto the world through chosen pupils, such as you were. Would that you accomplished more before your death, I could send you to whatever hell your god has chosen for you without regret. However, where there is one there were many before, and many to come. You should know that your skills are impeccable, and nearly without flaw. But you have failed to learn the simplest and yet most difficult art of our lineage. The art of no-mind. Had you emptied yourself of all thoughts of killing and revenge, I would never have sensed you in my chamber. But your rage extends before you like a wave upon the rocks, and so now, when you might have stood a hair’s breadth of a chance, you have none. It is easy to kill the soft, slow-witted peoples of this earth, but you will find me neither soft, nor slow of action.”
The old Master’s eyes blazed with a sudden fury, his life was as that of hundreds of mortals and yet he still could not find the one perfect student, he who would reign and command the shadowy legions after his ultimate death. No matter, soon this bastard’s foolhardiness would feed the Master’s own blighted soul. “Very well, I would not deign to deny you the time you’ve chosen.”
The silent figure rose, trembling with fury and fear. The Master spoke again. “Even now I can see your mind, thoughts racing and flickering. You think you will plunge your dagger into my heart? You feel my blood wash warm over you as my throat lies open? The snap of my dry, ancient bones rings joyous in your ears? Oh I see these things, before you even entered this room. I was wrong to waste the teachings on you, though prior to this evening’s folly you were among the best. But no, you have not even brought weapons, save yourself. You think your skills are my superior? Go now, into your after-realm knowing you failed.”
With a celerity that belied his wizened form the Master leapt from the ground, scrawny and aged arms and legs coiled to strike. His simple brown robes trailed back as though he was a horrible, winged creature from nightmares. With a cry he landed on the as yet unmoving figure below. The old man’s fist splintered through the floor, where the figure had once stood. In his mind the Master knew his pupil would disappear more quickly than he could counter, though he never dare admit it. But with centuries of wisdom he spun, his left hand rigid, gnarled fingers forming into a spearhand strike that licked out as a viper’s tongue at the pupil’s throat. The pupil melted away from the strike, barely raising his arm in time to parry the blow past his face. The Master’s arm took on a soft glow as his own psychic rage fueled the blow. As quickly as he struck the Master recoiled his arm, a mild and unexpected sting from where he contacted his pupil’s whipcord-strong arm.
“Foul creature! Your cowardice is revealed! How– how did you bring poison to bear? You have no weapons! I sensed nothing! I– the Master stumbled back, already feeling the radiant burn of the poison. His rage ebbed away as water from a punctured skin, the hot amber glow of his rage gave way to sickly green hue that crept along his bare forearm. Sinking to his knees he looked upon his pupil, the tight black rags covering his hairy body, all except for his arms. Baffled, the Master stammered “How? I must know…grant me this boon! You knew you would never defeat me in personal combat…what blade do you carry…how?”
With well practiced fluidity the pupil plucked a single hair from his right arm. Even as the Master’s vision hazed over he could see the dark green poison drip from the single hair, behind that the monstrous face of his killer. A slight frown creased his brow, and as he slumped over into the waiting arms of Death he managed a crooked grin, finally knowing full well he unleashed the single greatest killer the world will ever know…his last pupil, Snikch.
Tags: Ogre Kingdoms, Warhammer Fantasy
OGRE STRONGHOLD: “Great Cataclysm” Origin Story
Chisan peered through the small rent in the flap of his tent. A cold shock of air swept in and chilled the young boy as he tried to make sense of the scene before him. The twin moons were sickly vibrant as they shone upon two men conversing in secret twenty paces from the tent. Chisan watched in fear as his elderly grandfather spoke to a giant of a man, who stood a full two heads above the frail headman of their village. Why Grandfather spoke in hushed tones with this frightening stranger was beyond Chisan. Although his Grandfather was a small slight man Chisan knew he possessed an archaic strength and in darker times could bring sinister power to bear. Despite this knowledge Chisan still feared for old man. Something in the stranger’s bearing sent deep waves of terror through the boy, though he knew not why.
The old man withdrew something large and bulky from a woven basket, passing it with great care to the dark stranger. Without further word the stranger mounted a powerfully built black steed, whose coat shimmered with the faint glow of the moons. Spurring the beast into action the man sped away into the deep blackness of the steppes beyond.
Chisan froze as his Grandfather turned and looked directly at the tiny crack of light shining like a beacon from the tent. Chisan sprung away from his vantage point as though it held an adder, quickly turning and tending to the small cooking fire that sputtered in his absence. Grandfather pulled open the heavy leather flap that served as a door and bustled in, muttering to himself about the foolishness of youth. “Tend that fire boy, my joints ache with the damned cold.” Settling himself gingerly on the low pile of cushions and blankets, his Grandfather slowly regarded Chisan, as if coming to a sudden decision.
“Listen carefully my son. I know you have many questions, most of which I’m certain are stupid, foolish questions.” Grandfather was never known for his kindness, nor tolerance of impetuousness. “Tonight I will allow you to ask questions of me, of my business, because when dawn lights on our village tomorrow you will become a man. Tomorrow the sun will look down on a new age for Cathay, an age where the Dragon Emperor sits upon the Jade Throne no longer!”
Involuntarily Chisan drew in a sharp breath. These words were not only blasphemy, but cause for immediate and brutal punishment by any who should hear. Grandfather’s eyes took on a bizarre glow, seeming to Chisan as if they contained wide and limitless gulfs of madness. For an instant Chisan made ready to run, run away from the sleepy village and this madness and brave the steppes beyond. Then again they were clear and bright, and showed nothing of the insanity revealed for what felt like an eternity.
Chisan stammered, his voice seeming tiny and brittle in the presence of his Grandfather, “Sir, you told us never to question the Emperor… the Guard would take your head if they heard you now!”
Impatiently Grandfather shook his head. “All will be clear soon enough.” With that, the old man lifted his left arm and withdrew the sleeve, revealing a small mark on the underside of his scrawny limb. Chisan looked closely, seeing yet another sight that chilled his blood; a crudely drawn symbol of a phoenix, clutching a writhing serpent in its claws.
“Grandfather!? No! Not the Black Phoenix, you can’t be—“ Chisan stammered, his entire world rocking on its foundation. From his earliest remembrances, he and the other children of the village were told of the Black Phoenix, a terroristic group of fanatic revolutionaries. The Black Phoenix decried the Jade Throne and the Dragon Emperor upon it, saying they fought for the freedom of the peasant class. Admonished from birth to hate and despise this cabal of lunatics, Chisan reeled from the glaring, hated symbol scrawled on Grandfather’s wiry arm. Chisan’s eyes stung from betrayal and fear gripped him.
“Be still boy, there is much to tell. I assure you, when this tale is finished you will understand and welcome your destiny.” His Grandfather, always such a powerful and commanding leader, suddenly appeared to Chisan as a hunched, daemonic figure, leering and arrogant in his revealed pride.
General Hu pulled his silvered blade from the chest of a Nipponese soldier, spinning and slashing a second and third warrior before the first slumped to the blood-soaked earth. Around the General a ring of corpses held silent witness to his prowess, each dispatched with an ease that seemed impossible for the armored, aged warrior. To his right a deep bellow reached his ears and the General allowed himself a rare smile, as out of place on his lined face as anywhere else on this field of death. Risking a glance the General saw his prodigy crash through a small unit of Nipponese lancers, their curved blades shattering on his oversized armor or cutting superficial wounds in his great bulk. A wide blade hacked through three of the doomed warriors as the ogre known as Kwan Dao bellowed in triumph. The ogre warrior’s black armor took on a grotesque appearance as hot fresh blood spurted over him anew. The return stroke of his five foot blade removed the head of a lancer and arcing downward, cleft a second in two from right shoulder to left hip. The enormous blade bit deep into the trampled ground and the General watched in awe as Kwan Dao abandoning his blade and gripped two more lancers in massive fists, smashing them into each other. The snap of broken bones was clear over the tumult of the battle and the General nearly laughed as Kwan Dao threw each body into a charging unit of mounted swordsmen. Two Nipponese warriors were knocked from their lean mounts, trampled by the stunned riders behind them. With no pause Kwan Dao charged directly into the oncoming horses, kicking the legs from one beast and tackling another. The whinnying steed fell like a stone, sending the rider cartwheeling over the rampaging ogre’s broad shoulders. Kwan Dao seized the horse’s legs in his iron grip and spun, sending the screaming animal into a mass of horrified warriors thirty paces back in the Nipponese lines. This was too much for the usually stalwart fighters and the back of the army broke as the invaders tried to retreat. The General sounded a call of victory and his army cheered as one, Kwan Dao’s rumbling voice loud even among the thousands of Cathayan warriors.
Dawn broke upon the polished wooden floor of the temple, striking like fire across the glass-smooth surface. The utter silence was gently broken by rising choruses of sleepy thrushes and sparrows, rustling their feathers and preening amongst themselves. Gossamer-like petals gently lighted upon the swept marble paths leading to and around the ancient temple. In this scene of tranquility knelt Kwan Dao, for all his bulk seeming to fit as the old paintings of the Cathayan enlightened god, Bodhu. General Hu looked upon his behemoth soldier, one of the finest among an elite army of thousands. Was he a physical manifestation of the god Bodhu? He certainly appeared as such, a prodigious gut swelling the silken robes specially crafted for him.
The General allowed himself to revel a bit in his triumph. Kwan Dao came to his camp fifteen years hence, a ragged and vicious brute. Several of General Hu’s bodyguard set upon this monster, seeking to bring him down lest he offend the General or otherwise cause trouble. Hearing the roars of pain and violence coming from his men, the General rushed out to confront the menace and was taken aback at the sight of a blood-soaked beast, smashing his men apart like woven straw dolls. His men left a telling mark upon the reddish, rusty hide of the ogre, spilling its blood as they gave their own. With a cry the General leapt in front of his men, daring to face down the three meter tall monstrosity alone. He stood, calm in the face of imminent death, showing and truly feeling no fear. The ogre tossed aside a broken warrior like a bored child discarding a toy. He stopped and nearly checked his own berserk charge, for the first time in his life sensing an invincible will. The brutish ogre felt fear. Not understanding this new sensation, the ogre was enraged and rushed headlong at the diminutive figure who calmly mocked him. The General stood firm before the avalanche of unwashed flesh and violence, only to step lightly to one side, deftly parrying the hurtling weight. Quicker than Hu expected the ogre stopped himself, spinning and swinging a fist the size of a man’s head at the General. Hu turned the powerful blow aside as easily as a leaf in a hurricane, sending the ogre toppling to the ground. Instantly the General leapt onto the broad back of the howling ogre, his legendary blade whispering from its jade scabbard and gliding under the heavy jowls of the prone monster.
“Yield, savage!” Hu commanded. He waited a moment, doubting the creature spoke any of the Cathayan dialects. The ogre was silent, evidently understanding the danger possessed of the man perched like a cat on his shoulders. Resigned, the ogre’s mighty frame slumped, even his great strength exhausted against this tiny man who spoke gibberish to him.
The General waited, senses attuned to an inhuman level. When the ogre sank to the ground Hu sprung off his back and landed lightly beside him, sword held down as if in warning. The ogre was broken, beaten and bloody, deep gouges crisscrossing his body in dozens of places. Head raised, the ogre regarded this man who bested him so easily and wondered at his fate…
The years passed quickly as the General continued to break and remold the giant ogre into a true Cathayan warrior. None of the General’s men dared ask what they all thought, “Why him?” In typical Cathayan arrogance, most regarded the towering ogre with contempt. In time however, the ogre wanderer who was eventually known as Kwan Dao won over most of his own diehard detractors. Kwan Dao proved a quick study, possessed of a keen intellect the equal of most human men. His strength was beyond compare within Hu’s army, no twenty men could match him for raw power. His speed was also legendary, as was his skill with the enormous blade that was his namesake. That a monster of his size could become a refined and efficient death dealer brought true terror to any enemy Hu faced, natural fear of the gigantic creature coupled with the unnatural talents he displayed.
Hu did not neglect the scholarly side of his ward, patiently teaching the oft-frustrated Kwan Dao the finer points of calligraphy, painting and flower arranging. Kwan Dao never quite grasped the arts, though he did appreciate the fine works of Cathayan masters. General Hu always stressed the symbiosis of warrior and scholar to his men, and Kwan Dao was no exception to this.
General Hu smiled again, beaming with genuine pride that this broken and defeated barbarian could be taught and made into a proper soldier. Knowing it was appropriate to do so, Kwan Dao looked up from his kneeling position. “Kwan Dao, you have been with us for over fifteen years. I have given to you all of my knowledge and warcraft, and you have proved an apt pupil. I count you as one of my own sons, in whom I dare hope that my legacy will be passed on. You have done well with us, Kwan Dao. For this honorable duty, you will stand aside me in next week’s procession, the Viewing of the Dragon’s Sword.” This ceremony stretched back into time immemorial, every twenty-five years the Dragon Emperor was to view his armies in all their regalia. It was well known that the current Emperor cared little for this formality, however he was bound by his lofty station to attend. The General had only served through two of these processions, once immediately following his promotion to Warlord of Cathay, and the second following his mighty victory over raiding parties from Dreaded Wo. This time the General would present to his Emperor the born again son and hero of Cathay, Kwan Dao. The General hoped that this Son of the God Dragon would be moved, just this time, before Hu passed on to his ancestors.
The time before the ceremony was spent in countless drills, each performed to exacting excellence, each berated and ridiculed and threatened to be performed again and again. General Hu knew his men were beyond ready but still he drove them relentlessly, preparing each of his warriors for a demonstration more important than any battle. Kwan Dao he pushed the hardest, daring to hope that the Emperor would bless him with the status of a citizen-noble. He knew Kwan Dao could never ascend to full nobility, but he could become a recognized Cathayan if the Dragon Emperor willed it.
The parade grounds were flawless. A full one hundred thousand of the Jade Throne’s house staff had scoured every centimeter of stone so that the Emperor would not be offended at His mortal kingdom when He deigned rest His gaze upon it. It was common knowledge that the current Emperor was more fickle than most, demanding standards that were nigh impossible to keep. Taking offense at the slightest remark, sight or indeed even sound or smell, the Dragon Emperor was quick to anger and never soothed. All of these thoughts assailed General Hu, knowing full well even the most trivial of contrivances could cost him his post, even his life. The previous Emperor had been a wiser sort, more apt to learn of his kingdom and its people. Each Emperor that passed through the Throne were said to be reincarnations of the previous Emperors, so that truly they never aged nor died as men die. Hu reflected on this in his most secret heart, instincts telling him that there was less truth in this fact that appeared on the surface. These thoughts disappeared as suddenly as a storm before the booming timbre of the military drums. Huge leather-bound drums were beaten by impassive and muscular Cathayans, whose discipline rivaled that of the military amassed in glittering rows of lacquered armor and steel.
With a dramatic flourish worthy of the finest actors of the stage, the procession of the Jade Throne wove its way down the Imperial Steps to the parade ground. Two dozen gold-clothed porters escorted the palanquin of the Emperor down the steep stairs, keeping the palanquin from rocking or tilting. Surrounding the gilded carriage were the Dragon’s Shadow, the cadre of bodyguard-assassins that never left the Emperor’s side. The only mortals allowed weapons so near the Emperor, these white robed killers struck fear into the entire eastern half of the world and beyond. They could strike silently from the shadows, or stand toe to toe with any of the world’s elite warriors on the battlefield. As the Emperor’s procession approached the ornate marble dais overlooking the parade grounds, General Hu risked one last glance at his assembled host. Rank after rank of glittering spearmen held their weapons aloft, the warm sun causing it to look as though a sea of gems swept across the kilometer wide pavilion. Here were his swordsmen, bedecked with their straight blades. To his left the lightly armored archers, each of which could put a feathered shaft through a keyhole from over 500 meters. Finally, standing proudly beside him were his sons, Hsing and Hun, his most able commanders. In between them stood the massive Kwan Dao, now an equal amongst the command of the Cathayan Royal Army. General Hu beamed as the Emperor’s palanquin was gently lowered in place. All in attendance bowed in unison, a million strong. Beneath the gauzy film covering the carven throne, the wispy hand of the Emperor was barely visible as he acknowledged the assembled host. As one the entire army roared in approval, Kwan Dao this time drowned out by over a million voices raised as one. When the cheering finally subsided General Hu bowed to the Dragon Emperor, his polished helm resting gently on the smooth flagstones. The Emperor spoke, a thin reedy voice that was the faintest of whispers in that grand place. An awkward youth, clothed in black robes of the finest silk strode forward, repeating the Emperor’s words. For all his meager size, this boy’s voice lifted and carried to all in the pavilion. “Rise General Hu. I would see this chosen champion you wish to promote to commander, alongside your own sons, Cathay’s sons.”
Kwan Dao shifted slightly, the Emperor’s words rocking him. He had not expected, nor dare even dreamt of such an honor being bestowed upon him by the General let alone the Dragon Emperor. In the years of tutelage under the General, Kwan Dao had learned and come to respect the divinity of the throne. Always blessed of more intellect than the common Ogre, Kwan Dao was more than capable of leading the devastating forces of Cathay. No non-Cathayan had ever held such an esteemed position. With the words of the Emperor, the ogre turned hero dared hope against hope…
“My Lord and God of the Most High Kingdom, I beg thee to bless the ascension of Cathay’s champion to High Commander. He has risen through the ranks, proving his worth time and again on the battlefield, delivering many foes for judgment among the Dark Gods of the Under-Kingdom. He has been trained and raised among us, though he hails not from our lands he truly is a Cathayan reborn!” The General spoke with his most demure voice, usually robust but now tempered by the presence of His Holiness.
The Voice of the Emperor spoke again to the assemblage, echoing His Lord, “Step forth, protector of Cathay, so that I may see and judge you.”
At the slightest of nods from the General, Kwan Dao stood to his full height and approached the throne. Rivulets of sweat ran down the broad sweep of Kwan Dao’s back as he bowed low to the Emperor God of Cathay. His gruff and booming voice spoke. “My Lord God, I pray you accept me into your Kingdom that I may serve with my life Your People, to the ends of this world.”
General Hu swelled with pride at his prodigy’s words, their simple eloquence befitting the ogre perfectly. He stood, eagerly awaiting the blessing of the Dragon Emperor. Seconds passed, then a full minute and yet no word from the Emperor. General Hu held his breath, sudden dread filling him with nausea.
A faint whisper again came from the screened palanquin and the Voice rushed to its side, bowing low. Ashen with terror, the Voice rose shakily, turning to address General Hu directly. “G-General Hu. I am most displeased with this a-abomination. You will have him executed immediately, his carcass will be fed to the carrion of the steppes. I am disgusted and offended by your offering, which speaks volumes of your poor judgment.”
General Hu’s sun-darkened skin went completely white, the blood in his face rushing away as his own fury rose. Without thought, the iron resolve of the legendary General cracked, and he turned to face the palanquin directly. Immediately realizing his mistake, the old warlord began to bow his head in obeisance, knowing full well his entire family could suffer from his lack of manners and disloyalty.
It was too late, without a word the Dragon’s Shadows went forward as one, nearly gliding across the smooth pave. For all his martial skill, the General would not fight back, his pride more daunting than ever in the face of death. A dozen swords whispered from their scabbards, and the General fell without a cry, his honor intact. His sons were paralyzed with rage, but dared not move, having been well-trained by their disciplined father. Their loyalty lie with their father’s murderer, only in their heart of hearts did they allow the seeds of vengeance to blossom. But Kwan Dao was not of this land, not of these people. He knew only loyalty to the one who had given him a new life, and despite his training and oaths, he was an ogre first and last.
A mighty bellow, heart rending in its power, preceded the great ogre as he charged forward into the knot of white-robed assassins. With a beauty that belied their deadliness the twelve leapt and slipped easily from the ogre’s grasping paws. He had the strength of ten and more speed than befit his bulk, and yet Kwan Dao appeared to move in slow motion. The dozen killers struck instantly, fountains of blood starting from a dozen perfect cuts. For an instant the scene held, twelve men in the traditional Cathayan color of death, stark white and pure against the gory mass of the ogre. Kwan Dao’s struggles wrenched at the heart of the entire army, to a man though none of them dared move. Kwan Dao should have died on his feet, however the Shadow’s had struck where a man would fall; however this was no man. Kwan Dao grabbed a Shadow, his raging strength tearing the man into two ragged halves. Swords flashed and struck deep into muscled flesh, only to stick and be torn from iron hard grips as the great ogre thrashed and whipped about. Lashing to his left and right Kwan Dao smashed in the heads of two more of the silent warriors even as one leapt high above him. Like an arc of lightning his blade came from on high, passing through the base of the ogre’s skull as easily as if through a blade of grass. Kwan Dao’s body pitched forward, staggering half a dozen steps toward the Emperor, who by now was crying out in a strangled voice, never having known the stark terror that set upon him now. Slowly, inexorably the body tumbled forward, great helmeted head toppling off and rolling toward the shrieking Dragon Emperor, Immortal God of Cathay. With a wet thud the still snarling head stopped, dark viscous blood seeping onto the silken curtain of the Emperor’s Palanquin.
“In the weeks that followed Hu’s entire family was ousted, lowered even beyond the peasant caste. The Emperor had decreed that the shame of their patriarch’s actions were more fitting than death.” These last few words were spat with contempt by Grandfather. With a grim satisfaction, he continued, “In truth many whispered that even the Emperor feared that the vengeance meted out by the military would overcome his throne should he execute the entire line of Hu. Most Cathayans accepted the turn of events as fate, and sought not to challenge it as was their custom. Honor, pride, loyalty, these were valued beyond all other traits. Only the dog Emperor couldn’t understand these values.”
“The head of the great hero Kwan Dao was taken and hidden deep within the palace. It is said that the Emperor’s wise men and sorcerers used the skull to enact long forbidden rituals, raising an unstoppable hellstorm of destruction. Rumors abounded of the devastation, that the vast population of ogres was reduced to handfuls of scattered tribes, wandering lost in the scorching deserts. Most ogres of today regard this as their god, wreaking havoc upon their race as punishment for some imagined faults. Once a powerful, intelligent race, the ogres were now barbaric, cannibalistic savages, seeking only to feed and destroy in their quest to sate the hunger of the flesh, and of violence. Now they are too simple to realize they were slaughtered wholesale, their foolish god does not exist!”
“Only one tribe managed to escape the devastation and retain their intelligence. This was the original tribe that birthed the great Kwan Dao, though its name then is lost to antiquity. The skull of the old hero was acquired at great loss by our agents within the Imperial Palace, and given as proof to the leader of the tribe. He is a powerful and wise shaman of their people, and will divine much of the truth from the soul image left within the great skull.”
“That’s what the man outside was taking, the skull?” Chisan interrupted. His Grandfather scowled darkly at him, then continued, “Yes the skull is the one key left to convince the tribe of their involvement in our revolution. With their might on our side we will crush the Divinity, and make equals of all men! Tomorrow, Chisan, you will fight in our revolution and become a Black Phoenix! Your father died fighting for our cause, I have raised you even stronger and you will lead when I pass! Do not fear for the future, the sacrifices of the past will guide and enlighten us. The blood of our ancestors runs through our veins, and the name of Hu will rise once more!”
Here we are at episode 7 and finally getting around to what this show was conceived for: schooling noobs! In the first part of our noob tactics series, we get down to the most basic elements of deployment. We’ll explain why it is a good idea to start your troops off facing TOWARDS the enemy, (unless you’re fighting Deamons. In that case, just run!) how to fake out your opponent using Heisenberg’s uncertainty principal, (A classic noob tactic in which you just deploy your army in random positions in the hopes of making veteran players think too hard.) and why you should never deep strike your jump infantry in a forest. ( Only YOU can prevent forest fires.) We round things out with a review of Chris Wraight’s Battle of the Fang, a book with more explosions than a Michael Bay movie.
Rising from the desert sands, much like GW’s profit margin, comes episode 6 of noobhammer! We discuss the new Tomb Kings book after running a proxy game in which several rules were bent and many chaos warriors were left broken! Also some words on new faq’s, a bit about paint and some suggestions for summer reading material. Remember to follow us on twitter @noobhammercast, and find us on facebook.
Be sure to follow us on Twitter, our little group is growing!
Welcome to the grim future of….a few days from now. The emperor still sits immobile on his golden throne, but we doubt the marketing department ran this most recent scheme by him first and we’re sure the robber-barons of Nottingham would be hard pressed to explain these concepts to the mighty Sigmar. It’s not all bad news as we stop to remark upon the newest member of the space marine family and try to help the everyday gamer save a bit of cash.
Thought I’d share a few of my finished and WIP conversions here.
This is my Tau based Trukk. Not sure where all 12 boyz will fit, but I’ll work it out eventually.
My Mega Armored Warboss. Here are some WIP shots. Why every ork player should buy at least one Assault on Black Reach set.
Start with this, add this,
put them together and…
I then added bits from the Ork nob box set to get the attack squig and a WHFB Orc boy banner for the extra large boss pole. And with the remainder of the AOBR terminators and More Nob bits, Mega Armored Nobs were created.
And because I hate Blood Angels….
Here are a few WIP models. I had several Terminator arms left over, and plenty of SW heads, so I bought Terminator torsos and legs to create 8 more! The only problem: I failed to remember I needed shoulder pads as well! So I simply sculpted some fur pelts over the shoulders to hide this fact. I think it turned out decent enough. Plus saves me cash
The two semi painted models are going to be Arjac Rockfist (the Scibor model on the left) and my Logan Grimnar conversion on the right. I love the original Logan model, but didn’t want to buy it so I made this one.
Alright everybody, we squeaked this one in just before the Rapture, so enjoy it while you can! We discuss our experiences as total noobs at the Berks Assault 2 tourney. This was the first real tournament for both of us, and what an event it was. So come hear our tales of woe and our mighty sagas of epic battle! Also, there was cake.
Here begins the tale of the Stone Wolves, a solemn and ruthless company of the Vlka Fenryka…
Taking my cue from Prospero Burns, I am fully confident in portraying my SWs as aloof douchebags that are serious, not drunken Viking retards like GW would have you believe.
The Stone Wolves are as cold as the fell mountains of Fenris, and brook no failure or weakness amongst their kin. Culled from the tough tribesmen eking out an existence on the steep cliffsides of the Fenrisian mountains, the Stone Wolves stock their company with only the strongest mortals. Those who survive the rituals and initiation into the ranks of a Space Marine emerge changed in mind, body and spirit, yet they retain the lifetime of knowledge gleaned from fierce battle against man, beast and creatures from beyond the ken of mere humankind.
I will do my level best to keep this blog active and moving! It will focus solely on the Stone Wolves, and should I stray too far from this path (or worse yet neglect it!) I hope the pups and Long Fangs alike here will bay for my blood.
In the name of the Allfather…